Addiction

Everyone has an addiction to something, pple smoke, take drugs, coffee etc. And me, i realised that im addicted to sleeping. I not only sleep cos im tired, i sleep cos i wanna escape from this world. I cant remember when is the last time i really smile or laugh cos im happy. I have been facing things tt make me feel that im living in a cell.

For weeks i have been trying hard to study for my mock exams, I not only have to fight for the time. I also have to fight against myself, i have to tell myself no matter wat unhappy things happened you have to juz concentrate and start studying. I cant describe how "sian" i am. But im juz consistently feel that i need to go out and breathe in some fresh air.

When im feeling down, i look ard me. I dunno who and how i can express how im feeling right now. But i realised that this world doesn't allow one to show all of themselves to other pple. Even in front of yr family members. If u do so, u r juz being stupid by showing pple yr weakness, pple will juz looked down on you.

I remembered once, a few yrs back. When i flew all the way to Beijing to take an entrance exams to the Beijing University. And i didnt make it eventually. I told my colleagues back then when they asked. However, this news happened to let my Auntie know. My mum scolded me badly for this. She scolded me for telling other pple tt i didnt make it for the uni. I felt really depressed, cos i felt tt my mum she is actually ashamed of who i am. Its not tt i didnt make it for the uni.

Things like this happened again after a few yrs. I realised that im never allowed to show pple who i am . The world I'm living in, pple r always trying to hide their weakness and show only their best side to the other pple. To survive, i have to conform. But who can i tell or show my true side? I guess for now, its only in my dreams that i can show my true self. Because, there's no one in this world would really care who i really was.